of the scheduled c-section that is. My fear is getting the best of me. Sure I know what's going to happen, but that literally scares me to death.
I don't want to get the needle shoved in my back. That hurts like a BITCH when you're not in pain in the first place and begging for relief. Plus I'm afraid I'll get another shitty anestegiologist and he'll fudge my back up again. The last time they tried multiple times to put it in, even using an epidural catheter to get it in the right spot. You don't realize the shooting pains that causes until you're there biting into a pillow on the nurses shoulder, screaming and crying. I hope I get a good anestegioloist this time who gets it right the FIRST time. Bastard better watch out if it takes more than once because I'll flip shit.
I don't want a catheter either. I hate being confined to bed with a pee bag. I'm sure they'll cover it witha blanket, but it's so embarassing to know your pee is hanging on your bed. Plus that shit hurts when it's shoved up there. I'm going to demand to NOT get it until the spinal tap is in place and I can't feel a thing.
Speaking of the spinal tap itself.. it makes me vomit like the exorcist. Literal projectile vomit across the OR. Once it hits into my system it's nice, like I stepped into the hot tub. Then it gets further into the system and I'm puking up last week's lunch. Yeah they give you anti-nausea before you get the spinal but that didn't do anything but make me taste grape as I'm spewing across the room, crying and apologizing for ruining the sheets.
They don't let my husband in until AFTER the spinal is done, and after I'm strapped down like Jesus on the cross. I can't even imagine how shitty I look/looked when he came in an hour after they took me in (because the assholes took so long to get my spinal in). I know marriage isn't all beauty pagents or anything but still, I want to look good for my hubby as I'm about to have his baby.
The c-section itself wasn't bad.. I didn't feel a thing, I was loopy as hell, and didn't experience any pressure that people talk about. Must have had a hella good spinal.
They hoist the baby up over the blue screen and I have to squint to see. They take my glasses so I'm laying down, strapped and blinded and unable to move anything below my breasts. This time I'm going to request to have Jim hold my glasses and he can stick them on my face so I can see my baby this time. Still sucks though as they have so many rules and restrictions.
You gotta get stitched up. You can't even hold your child because you're still trapped. All you can do is strain to hear what's going on across the room as they clean your child and your hubby cuts the stump of cord they left for him to cut. He gets to see the baby. You get to see blue screen and imagine what your child looks like. He gets to hold the baby. You get to hold air. Not fair at all.
Then you have to recover before you can hold your baby (at least in my experience because Liz had a temperature regulation problem and had to be in an incubator for a few hours). I couldn't even SEE her and just laid there dazed, confused, and so out of it, just wanting my baby. They finally brought her in to stay in the incubator in my room and I was able to glimpse at her through the plastic walls while everyone else oohed and ahhed over my baby, and touched her through the arm holes. That's my fucking baby, don't you dare touch her before me. (I guess itw ould be 'him' in this case if he has the same problems as his sister)
All in all, I'm missing out on that 'bonding' time that all mothers rave about. I feel cheated, disgusted and alone. Liz and I have the best relationship but I can't help but wonder what it's like to bond during that first alert hour. By the time I got to her she was in that sleepy 'just been born' mode and didn't even want to wake up.
Then there's recovery. You've just been sliced from side to side and your guts feel like they're about to fall on the floor whenever you stand. That first time you stand, it feels like the entire world is going to swallow you whole and every organ and cell in your body will be on the floor for all to see. Not to mention walking (err, shuffling) across the floor. It's hell to get out of that bed. Peeing is just a joke, and don't even get me started on pooping (which you have to do before you're allowed to leave the hospital). I could barely even walk down the hall to get her hospital pics done, and had to hold onto the bassinett and wall the entire time. Yeah, that'll be GREAT with an active 3 year old at home. "sorry honey, can't play outside today because mommy's insides will be in the sandbox"
You can't even sneeze or cough without dying. I remember sneezing ONCE while driving a few weeks after the section and I think I would have caused an accident if there were other cars around. It put me in tears, and I remember not sneezing for months afterwards. Laughing is a joke too.
I'm so scared of going through all that again. The past few nights I've just been laying in bed, rembering every little painful detail of a c-section and the recovery. I know the end result is worth it, but dammit the process of getting there and afterwords is just horrendous.
Maybe this time will be different though. Maybe I'll have a better team of nurses with me and it won't be as bad and they'll keep up on pain meds. Maybe I'll go into labor and it will be so quick I have him before I can get a c section. All I can do is pray that this is easy and doesn't hurt as much as I remember.
Only 25 days to go
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