of the scheduled c-section that is. My fear is getting the best of me. Sure I know what's going to happen, but that literally scares me to death.
I don't want to get the needle shoved in my back. That hurts like a BITCH when you're not in pain in the first place and begging for relief. Plus I'm afraid I'll get another shitty anestegiologist and he'll fudge my back up again. The last time they tried multiple times to put it in, even using an epidural catheter to get it in the right spot. You don't realize the shooting pains that causes until you're there biting into a pillow on the nurses shoulder, screaming and crying. I hope I get a good anestegioloist this time who gets it right the FIRST time. Bastard better watch out if it takes more than once because I'll flip shit.
I don't want a catheter either. I hate being confined to bed with a pee bag. I'm sure they'll cover it witha blanket, but it's so embarassing to know your pee is hanging on your bed. Plus that shit hurts when it's shoved up there. I'm going to demand to NOT get it until the spinal tap is in place and I can't feel a thing.
Speaking of the spinal tap itself.. it makes me vomit like the exorcist. Literal projectile vomit across the OR. Once it hits into my system it's nice, like I stepped into the hot tub. Then it gets further into the system and I'm puking up last week's lunch. Yeah they give you anti-nausea before you get the spinal but that didn't do anything but make me taste grape as I'm spewing across the room, crying and apologizing for ruining the sheets.
They don't let my husband in until AFTER the spinal is done, and after I'm strapped down like Jesus on the cross. I can't even imagine how shitty I look/looked when he came in an hour after they took me in (because the assholes took so long to get my spinal in). I know marriage isn't all beauty pagents or anything but still, I want to look good for my hubby as I'm about to have his baby.
The c-section itself wasn't bad.. I didn't feel a thing, I was loopy as hell, and didn't experience any pressure that people talk about. Must have had a hella good spinal.
They hoist the baby up over the blue screen and I have to squint to see. They take my glasses so I'm laying down, strapped and blinded and unable to move anything below my breasts. This time I'm going to request to have Jim hold my glasses and he can stick them on my face so I can see my baby this time. Still sucks though as they have so many rules and restrictions.
You gotta get stitched up. You can't even hold your child because you're still trapped. All you can do is strain to hear what's going on across the room as they clean your child and your hubby cuts the stump of cord they left for him to cut. He gets to see the baby. You get to see blue screen and imagine what your child looks like. He gets to hold the baby. You get to hold air. Not fair at all.
Then you have to recover before you can hold your baby (at least in my experience because Liz had a temperature regulation problem and had to be in an incubator for a few hours). I couldn't even SEE her and just laid there dazed, confused, and so out of it, just wanting my baby. They finally brought her in to stay in the incubator in my room and I was able to glimpse at her through the plastic walls while everyone else oohed and ahhed over my baby, and touched her through the arm holes. That's my fucking baby, don't you dare touch her before me. (I guess itw ould be 'him' in this case if he has the same problems as his sister)
All in all, I'm missing out on that 'bonding' time that all mothers rave about. I feel cheated, disgusted and alone. Liz and I have the best relationship but I can't help but wonder what it's like to bond during that first alert hour. By the time I got to her she was in that sleepy 'just been born' mode and didn't even want to wake up.
Then there's recovery. You've just been sliced from side to side and your guts feel like they're about to fall on the floor whenever you stand. That first time you stand, it feels like the entire world is going to swallow you whole and every organ and cell in your body will be on the floor for all to see. Not to mention walking (err, shuffling) across the floor. It's hell to get out of that bed. Peeing is just a joke, and don't even get me started on pooping (which you have to do before you're allowed to leave the hospital). I could barely even walk down the hall to get her hospital pics done, and had to hold onto the bassinett and wall the entire time. Yeah, that'll be GREAT with an active 3 year old at home. "sorry honey, can't play outside today because mommy's insides will be in the sandbox"
You can't even sneeze or cough without dying. I remember sneezing ONCE while driving a few weeks after the section and I think I would have caused an accident if there were other cars around. It put me in tears, and I remember not sneezing for months afterwards. Laughing is a joke too.
I'm so scared of going through all that again. The past few nights I've just been laying in bed, rembering every little painful detail of a c-section and the recovery. I know the end result is worth it, but dammit the process of getting there and afterwords is just horrendous.
Maybe this time will be different though. Maybe I'll have a better team of nurses with me and it won't be as bad and they'll keep up on pain meds. Maybe I'll go into labor and it will be so quick I have him before I can get a c section. All I can do is pray that this is easy and doesn't hurt as much as I remember.
Only 25 days to go
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
He surprised me!
All I can say is a BIG YAY for my hubby!
I went to work Thursday night and he was painting. He told me he'd do about half the room that night, and finish it this weekend. Well I got home and he lead me to the nursery and flipped the light on and said SURPRISE! It was DONE!!!!! It looks perfect and just screams boy. I love it.
I figured I'd do my own little surprise yesterday while he was working and almost gutted Lizzy's entire room. Her room has since been used for storage and she had no room to walk around, let alone play. I should have taken a before pic, I really should.. Damn. But anyway..
I sorted all the clothes (minus a bag) into bags for trash/goodwill/craigslist selling. Made a huge overflowing box of trash, moved stuff around, and just got it uncluttered. It looks FABULOUS now and I can't wait to finish it today. After that we just need to take the bags/boxes to goodwill and move the furniture from Liz's room to the nursery- since she still has all the nursery furniture in her room. It's going to look so bare in there but I've been stalking craigslist to find some cheap 2nd hand storage stuff since it will get ruined anyway. I plan on making her a little 'chill' corner with her TV (maybe a new one for Christmas), her couch and chair and some pillows. We'll see.
I'm also going to disassemble her toddler bed (wah) and move her to the bottom bunk of the bunk beds. It's a full bed, and I really dont' want to, but don't feel like spending another $80 + on a crib matress when we have a perfectly good one from Lizzy and she'd always wanted to sleep on the 'big bed'. I'm looking for sheets at Target tonight to liven up that bed, since the top bunk has dora sheets and all, and the bottom bunk has stars.
I can't believe I have 31 days to go.. just a month. OMFG
Tomorrow is mother's day and I'm not happy about that at all. I say piss on mother's day, but that's my bitterness comming through. I'll be sending the yearly balloon up to my mom. Much rather see her and give her the balloon but we all know that ain't gonna happen.
Happy Mother's Day to me
I went to work Thursday night and he was painting. He told me he'd do about half the room that night, and finish it this weekend. Well I got home and he lead me to the nursery and flipped the light on and said SURPRISE! It was DONE!!!!! It looks perfect and just screams boy. I love it.
I figured I'd do my own little surprise yesterday while he was working and almost gutted Lizzy's entire room. Her room has since been used for storage and she had no room to walk around, let alone play. I should have taken a before pic, I really should.. Damn. But anyway..
I sorted all the clothes (minus a bag) into bags for trash/goodwill/craigslist selling. Made a huge overflowing box of trash, moved stuff around, and just got it uncluttered. It looks FABULOUS now and I can't wait to finish it today. After that we just need to take the bags/boxes to goodwill and move the furniture from Liz's room to the nursery- since she still has all the nursery furniture in her room. It's going to look so bare in there but I've been stalking craigslist to find some cheap 2nd hand storage stuff since it will get ruined anyway. I plan on making her a little 'chill' corner with her TV (maybe a new one for Christmas), her couch and chair and some pillows. We'll see.
I'm also going to disassemble her toddler bed (wah) and move her to the bottom bunk of the bunk beds. It's a full bed, and I really dont' want to, but don't feel like spending another $80 + on a crib matress when we have a perfectly good one from Lizzy and she'd always wanted to sleep on the 'big bed'. I'm looking for sheets at Target tonight to liven up that bed, since the top bunk has dora sheets and all, and the bottom bunk has stars.
I can't believe I have 31 days to go.. just a month. OMFG
Tomorrow is mother's day and I'm not happy about that at all. I say piss on mother's day, but that's my bitterness comming through. I'll be sending the yearly balloon up to my mom. Much rather see her and give her the balloon but we all know that ain't gonna happen.
Happy Mother's Day to me
Thursday, May 7, 2009
June 10th.. a fabulous day for a birthday!
Okay not really.. but close enough.
Jacob (middle name to be withheld until birth as it's a surprise) Zdziebkowski will be born on June 10th, 2009.
I had my usual OB appointment on Tuesday and she came waltzing in and said "Hey Christine.. did you know your date is set for the 3rd of June?" Imagine the SHOCK on my face because umm, that was less than a month away! Holding the tears in I managed a choked out "oh wow, that's really soon.. sounds good!" Inside I'm thinking "HOLY SHIT, NOT ENOUGH TIME!"
I was up a half pound from 2 weeks ago.. progress! BP was perfect as was his heartbeat. When Dr. Bigus was listening to his heart the little twerp punched her and sent the transducer into the air. Poor Dr didn't know what to think, and I said 'yeah, he always does that'. My next appointment is set for May 19th and I have a bunch of questions about my c-section for her.. since I delivered at a different hospital last time with 5 days notice of a c/s. hrumph.
Anyway, I was on the way home bawling my eyes out. My phone rang but didn't recognize the number so i ignored it and it was the doctor calling me back. She told me that she looked over the ultrasound from the specialist I saw the prior Thursday and said "Yeah, okay... due to conflicting dates from them and us, we'll just make your c-section on the 10th" Relief! That's more than a month away, and I felt better :) I go back to the fetal specialist on the 2nd of June for a fetal echocardiogram as they saw a bright spot on his heart. Calcium deposit they called it, nothing for concern but they just want to make sure it didn't get bigger/develop into anything more. Yeah, I have small kids with heart shadows/spots.
We're getting pretty far on the painting. All the primer is done, and most of one wall is done with the last paint coat. Our brushes were still wet yesterday so we couldnt' continue on.. boo. I have sooo much I still need to get, but luckily I got a coupon book in the mail for Babies R Us for a bunch of the stuff we still need (diapers, wipes, medicines, sheets, blankets, etc). We're pretty good on clothes but I want to have some preemie sized and more NB sizes just in case since I was so unprepared last time.
The mood swings have been hitting full force lately so my little family is getting the brunt of it. I feel bad, but can't help it. The last few weeks of pregnancy suck major ass. I'm reminded with every step I take why Jacob is my last baby!
Anyway, here's a little pic spam of the nursery thus far... I'm starving and need to feed the fetus.
yes, using an actual roller to paint. Well, at least for the pic anyway :)
helping daddy tape
that cliche nursery belly pic
''painting''
Jacob (middle name to be withheld until birth as it's a surprise) Zdziebkowski will be born on June 10th, 2009.
I had my usual OB appointment on Tuesday and she came waltzing in and said "Hey Christine.. did you know your date is set for the 3rd of June?" Imagine the SHOCK on my face because umm, that was less than a month away! Holding the tears in I managed a choked out "oh wow, that's really soon.. sounds good!" Inside I'm thinking "HOLY SHIT, NOT ENOUGH TIME!"
I was up a half pound from 2 weeks ago.. progress! BP was perfect as was his heartbeat. When Dr. Bigus was listening to his heart the little twerp punched her and sent the transducer into the air. Poor Dr didn't know what to think, and I said 'yeah, he always does that'. My next appointment is set for May 19th and I have a bunch of questions about my c-section for her.. since I delivered at a different hospital last time with 5 days notice of a c/s. hrumph.
Anyway, I was on the way home bawling my eyes out. My phone rang but didn't recognize the number so i ignored it and it was the doctor calling me back. She told me that she looked over the ultrasound from the specialist I saw the prior Thursday and said "Yeah, okay... due to conflicting dates from them and us, we'll just make your c-section on the 10th" Relief! That's more than a month away, and I felt better :) I go back to the fetal specialist on the 2nd of June for a fetal echocardiogram as they saw a bright spot on his heart. Calcium deposit they called it, nothing for concern but they just want to make sure it didn't get bigger/develop into anything more. Yeah, I have small kids with heart shadows/spots.
We're getting pretty far on the painting. All the primer is done, and most of one wall is done with the last paint coat. Our brushes were still wet yesterday so we couldnt' continue on.. boo. I have sooo much I still need to get, but luckily I got a coupon book in the mail for Babies R Us for a bunch of the stuff we still need (diapers, wipes, medicines, sheets, blankets, etc). We're pretty good on clothes but I want to have some preemie sized and more NB sizes just in case since I was so unprepared last time.
The mood swings have been hitting full force lately so my little family is getting the brunt of it. I feel bad, but can't help it. The last few weeks of pregnancy suck major ass. I'm reminded with every step I take why Jacob is my last baby!
Anyway, here's a little pic spam of the nursery thus far... I'm starving and need to feed the fetus.
yes, using an actual roller to paint. Well, at least for the pic anyway :)
helping daddy tape
that cliche nursery belly pic
''painting''
Monday, May 4, 2009
Beware the wrath of a pregnant woman
I forgot exactly how bitchy you can get towards the bitter end of a pregnancy. I'm 35 weeks on Wednesday, and I'm to the point where I want to throw in the towel and beg for mercy. Yesterday I woke up around 9, had breakfast with the kiddo, and I fell asleep at 10 for another hour!!! I felt so guilty and apologized a lot to my poor little girl, who patted my knee and said "It's okay mommy, you're tired- get some sleep" (how did I end up with such a sweetie?) If that's not bad enough, I took ANOTHER nap later in the afternoon after Jim got home from work. I felt like the laziest preggo in the world. Luckily Jim knows not to bother me so I got away with 2 naps in one day. Crazy. Poor guy though, he's really putting up with a lot from me. Every night we snuggle for about 10 minutes before he rolls over and falls asleep, and I grunt and groan and flip myself over like a damn hamburger on a grill to try and get comfortable enough to doze off. Well last night he fell asleep while we snuggled and it irritated me so much that I yelled at him to just roll over and get off me. I can't wait for evil bitch to go away!
Today is just as nasty and cloudy and rainy as yesterday. It really puts a damper on my mood and makes me even more tired. I never sleep past 8:30 usually, and today was a 9:45 wakeup. I hope I don't make a habit of this, but I should enjoy it while it lasts- since in 5 weeks or less I won't get to enjoy sleep anymore.
5 weeks.. holy crap. I can still remember going to Target and buying that first pregnancy test 2 pack. I still remember peeing in the cup and dipping the stick and seeing that 2nd line. Now I have only 5 weeks to go. Where did that time go? They say consecuitive pregnancies go quicker since you're busy with your other child(ren), but damn, I didn't think it was THAT fast! Tomorrow I have my LAST of the every 2 week appointments.. I go back on the 19th and it's EVERY week after that! The end is near.. I can almost taste it. I get my c-section date tomorrow as well.. so will really be able to see the end. I wonder how small he's going to be? I had a little 5lb 13ozer at full term with Lizzy and they're saying he's on the small side like her. Wonder if he'll be similar or a little bigger? I have a few preemie outfits, but should stock up on a few more just in case.
I still have SO much to do until he gets here. (Which is why I sit here blogging instead of doing anything else) Half of his nursery is primered.. we need to finish the other side of the room with primer, then paint. After we paint we can move the furniture in. I still need to clean OUT the crib and changing table and armoire (all being used by Liz still- the crib is a big storage bin of old clothes and toys). I can't help but procrastinate on that though. I need to drag the bassinett, swing, and bouncer out of the shed as well. We still need a pack and play, and the basics (towels, sheets, blankets, medicines, breast milk storage, socks and onesies) It just seems like it will never get done in as little as 5 weeks! Grrrrowl!
I guess I should end this and finish painting the letters for his wall. (reminder to add the sticky squares to the list of things to buy so I can hang his letters and other wall art) Maybe I should end the fight between the 3 year old and the dogs. Nah, I'll let her keep chasing them around and around the house. It's entertaining for me, and tires her out and gets the dogs some exercise as well.
3 wonderful years of us... (before our delicious evening ALONE with a fabulous Olive Garden dinner.. ahh I love some heart attack on a plate known as fettuchini alfredo <3)
Today is just as nasty and cloudy and rainy as yesterday. It really puts a damper on my mood and makes me even more tired. I never sleep past 8:30 usually, and today was a 9:45 wakeup. I hope I don't make a habit of this, but I should enjoy it while it lasts- since in 5 weeks or less I won't get to enjoy sleep anymore.
5 weeks.. holy crap. I can still remember going to Target and buying that first pregnancy test 2 pack. I still remember peeing in the cup and dipping the stick and seeing that 2nd line. Now I have only 5 weeks to go. Where did that time go? They say consecuitive pregnancies go quicker since you're busy with your other child(ren), but damn, I didn't think it was THAT fast! Tomorrow I have my LAST of the every 2 week appointments.. I go back on the 19th and it's EVERY week after that! The end is near.. I can almost taste it. I get my c-section date tomorrow as well.. so will really be able to see the end. I wonder how small he's going to be? I had a little 5lb 13ozer at full term with Lizzy and they're saying he's on the small side like her. Wonder if he'll be similar or a little bigger? I have a few preemie outfits, but should stock up on a few more just in case.
I still have SO much to do until he gets here. (Which is why I sit here blogging instead of doing anything else) Half of his nursery is primered.. we need to finish the other side of the room with primer, then paint. After we paint we can move the furniture in. I still need to clean OUT the crib and changing table and armoire (all being used by Liz still- the crib is a big storage bin of old clothes and toys). I can't help but procrastinate on that though. I need to drag the bassinett, swing, and bouncer out of the shed as well. We still need a pack and play, and the basics (towels, sheets, blankets, medicines, breast milk storage, socks and onesies) It just seems like it will never get done in as little as 5 weeks! Grrrrowl!
I guess I should end this and finish painting the letters for his wall. (reminder to add the sticky squares to the list of things to buy so I can hang his letters and other wall art) Maybe I should end the fight between the 3 year old and the dogs. Nah, I'll let her keep chasing them around and around the house. It's entertaining for me, and tires her out and gets the dogs some exercise as well.
3 wonderful years of us... (before our delicious evening ALONE with a fabulous Olive Garden dinner.. ahh I love some heart attack on a plate known as fettuchini alfredo <3)
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Official Business
First of all, thanks for reading this. I wanted to start a totally new blog due to the changing events in my life from last summer (the time of my previous blogging experience). Many things have changed, and I'm a 100% total different person this time around.
Little update since my last posting in August 08 (which all of you know)
I'm PREGNANT! Yes folks, that's right. The chick who was having maritial problems is indeed full of fetus. Best thing to ever happen actually.
Let us recap.
August 08-many stupid decisions resulting in loss of self worth/self esteem, and almost losing a 2 1/2 year marriage.
September 08- more stupid decisions, more fighting, more lawyer visits about divorce and lots of protected meaningless sex with a husband who was trying to make things right.
October 4-8 08- dumb decisions, partying, turning 22, getting nastily sick and a gynecologist visit I'll never forget where she suggests I take a pregnancy test due to the fact I'm a week late for my period.
October 8, 08-
October 12, 08-
October 19. 08- The day I told Jim that I was pregnant again.. the day that changed it all...
From the 19th of October on, we got along so much better. We cried together that night, realizing that we fucked up and we fucked up bad fighting so much and ruining what we had. We realized it wasn't good for our daughter to have this kind of parental units and we vowed we'd make it work.
Fast forward to now..
No fighting, no stupid decisions, I'm back to being that loving wife and mother I knew was inside me. He's supportive, he's more into US, and still as great of a father as ever.
Today is our 3 year anniversary. I never thought we'd make it. Somehow we pulled through the rain of our ending months of 2008, and came out shining like the bright summer sun. I'm truly greatful to my son, the child that stretches my stomach apart every day, who is spreading my hips until breaking point... the reason for our continued family and continued love.
Little update since my last posting in August 08 (which all of you know)
I'm PREGNANT! Yes folks, that's right. The chick who was having maritial problems is indeed full of fetus. Best thing to ever happen actually.
Let us recap.
August 08-many stupid decisions resulting in loss of self worth/self esteem, and almost losing a 2 1/2 year marriage.
September 08- more stupid decisions, more fighting, more lawyer visits about divorce and lots of protected meaningless sex with a husband who was trying to make things right.
October 4-8 08- dumb decisions, partying, turning 22, getting nastily sick and a gynecologist visit I'll never forget where she suggests I take a pregnancy test due to the fact I'm a week late for my period.
October 8, 08-
October 12, 08-
October 19. 08- The day I told Jim that I was pregnant again.. the day that changed it all...
From the 19th of October on, we got along so much better. We cried together that night, realizing that we fucked up and we fucked up bad fighting so much and ruining what we had. We realized it wasn't good for our daughter to have this kind of parental units and we vowed we'd make it work.
Fast forward to now..
No fighting, no stupid decisions, I'm back to being that loving wife and mother I knew was inside me. He's supportive, he's more into US, and still as great of a father as ever.
Today is our 3 year anniversary. I never thought we'd make it. Somehow we pulled through the rain of our ending months of 2008, and came out shining like the bright summer sun. I'm truly greatful to my son, the child that stretches my stomach apart every day, who is spreading my hips until breaking point... the reason for our continued family and continued love.
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